Life sucks

Today I find myself with out weed and a head full of thoughts that is usually silenced by the drug. The same thoughts repeating themselves with no escape. Living on an ex co-workers sofa because of my high child support bills I open the door and see a Philly ghetto. One question remains: Did I ever tell someone I wanted children and do I have kids with any ex-girl friends or someone I was in love with? The answer is no. Granted having 2 kids and a vasectomy at 35 is not the worst but it's not what I wanted for my life. The first pregnancy was senior year in high school with a woman that I have been with maybe a hand full of times and didn't use a condom the night of conception. My second child is under a different circumstance with a woman that I was dating but not in a relationship with outside of sex and hanging out. She figured that by not taking her pill the man would be hers and I would fall into place. Sitting on this sofa in this mice infested apartment I'm paying for her wishes. After 12 years I'm still shocked by this and find myself engaging in angry conversations with her even though I haven't seen or spoken with her in years. Being in this situation I feel suicidal daily and often wonder if I'm going crazy. The only upside is my motivation to achieve as never been greater.....I can't give up because of others ill intent but I'd be liar if I didn't admit that I just want life to be over.